I have moved my blog from the Yahoo! archives to here. A shame that I lost my pictures, but then I should have moved it sooner. Still it should be good reading for those who are interested. At least the jokes are still there!
Hello world!
1
The blog is moving
Morning. This will probably be my last blogpost on here. I am starting a new blog on blogspot. I have tried to move the blog there, but was not able to do so, therefore I am keeping this here (until Yahoo gets rid of this as well). I may have the occasional rant here, but for most of my posts, go to http://www.captainstarkiller.blogspot.com/ if you are interested that is.
How many calories are there in sand?
Our last night in Devon. (Sniff.) Mazzard Farm is great. I would certainly come here again. Yesterday we went to Lyme Regis where we found sand which my daughter loved. Before we went to the beach, we had lunch at a very nice place, but my son was faced with food with no meat. And he, the carnivore refused to eat there. But, for the rest of us, we loved eating there. The staff there were friendly and loved my son and daughter, and as both got attention, they were in seventh heaven! At the beach, my son decided that sand would be better to eat compared to the food we tried to feed him earlier. Later on, when laying down, he sprinkled sand on my legs in a manner that made my wife think that he was seasoning me!
Today we went into Sidmouth for a walk and afterwards came back to the farm to rest and spent the time here relaxing before the drive tomorrow.
Now, time to sit back, post on here and get ready to drive for hours tomorrow…
Entry for 09 June 2009
Evening all. My blog has had to move as Yahoo has decided to end the 360 service that I used to blog on. So now, I have made use of the service they offer, and have moved everything to here. Of course, I should consider starting a blog on a site such as facebook, myspace or twitter. It probably will last longer there.
Anyway, we are now at Mazzard Farm. We spent a lovely week in Cornwall in the Valley taking time to take the kids on a train ride and other things such as the beach at Porthcurnick.
If I get time, I will try to post at a later date.
Take care.
In the meantime…
Susan Boyle has done wonders for the fight against terrorism.
Islam extremist suicide bombers now know what a virgin looks like.
My mate says he has swine flu. I think he is telling porkies
Afternoon all. I hope you all are well. Unlike my daughter (recovering from chickenpox), my son (has gastroenteritis) or my wife (getting gastroenteritis). Of course, if you are unwell and are coming out in rashers please do not come to see us.
Our house is being altered. Our garden is mostly a building site. And of course, my family are ill. Well, things could be worse.
Anyway, take care, and if you need a laugh…
Is this is just a sick coincidence ….
2007 – Chinese year of the Chicken – Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 – Chinese year of the Horse – Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 – Chinese year of the Pig – Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of pigs/humans around the globe.
It gets worse……..
Next year……
2010 – Chinese year of the Cock – what could possibly go wrong?
How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
When your girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Morning all. What is left of it that is.
Our building work is coming on fine. My kids came back yesterday morning. But they did not seem that interested in me (sob). Before they came up, I was reading as much as I could on Mexican flu. Before it kills us all that is. (Well, I hope it does not.) But after a bit of time, they unwound and were playing with me as normal. I am truly amazed at how happy they can make me. I guess I have better enjoy it before they grow up.
Sadly, Arsenal lost last night. But after the first goal went in, I turned over to the Apprentice. Was most annoyed that Ben did not get the sack, though I appreciate it was a hard choice for Sir Alan.
This morning, I woke up to take the bins out and realised that I owe Louie and apology. Louie is the cat that owns our road. It lives in the house opposite us. In its garden are a family of foxes. The only reason that Louie has not killed them is that he spends his time in everyone else’s garden. In the summer, he had to go to the cattery. While he was gone, all the other cats in the area started to use our road. When he got back, they quickly found out he was back. In fact, I caught him trying to kill one (I went out to save it). Anyway, a few weeks ago, our bins were taken to bits. I thought it was Louie, and thought it strange as he has never done this before. Today I found out it was not him. A magpie has decided to use the bins down our road to get food. As I put the bins out, it was tearing open the bin bag opposite us (Louie’s house). I chased it, it flew down to our friends house. Then flew away after I ran after it. As I left our house to drive to work, I came out to find it taking our bins to bits. Unfortunately, I will not be able to use an air gun to take it out. So I will have to make sure the bins are only taken our before I leave for work, and pray that it goes not attack them.
The kids today are either at Go Banana’s or Adventure Land. My wife phoned me from there just now. They are having a great time, but to be fair, with all the screaming taking place, it is hard to hear if that is what my wife said!
Anyway, lets see if this brings a smile to your faces…
Rosy, posing thoughtfully in the mirror, says to Nina, "I think I'm going to see a dietitian."
Nina asked, "Why?"
Rosy answered, "'Cause I need to know once and for all, how many calories are in sperm."
Nina replied, "I really have no clue, but if you’re swallowing that much of it, no guy is going to care if you’re a little chunky.
I ache
Wives are funny creatures.
They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
Ouch. I ache.
Yesterday, I spent time putting up my sons climbing frame. He is not even two, but we have got our daughter a trampoline that we intend them to share, and that means that the climbing frame, which we intend them to share has to belong to him. That way, each has to deal with the other when they are older.
So, despite the fact that it is not yet up properly, I ache. Ouch.
Our building work has started. Our garage and conservatory have been destroyed and removed away and in place is lots of earth. The local cat, Louie loves it. He keeps popping over for a look. Which yesterday freaked out my daughter. For some reason, she is scared of him. My son loves stroking him, but my daughter literally was running away screaming after seeing him! She said that she was worried that he would take away the climbing frame! I did explain that Louie has no hands, so she was then scared that he would eat it. To be fair, Louie is a psycho cat. He is fine around humans. But out him near another cat, and that cat will learn who is the boss. In fact, in Louie’s humans garden, there is a family of foxes. I think it is a miracle that they are still alive knowing what Louie is like. But after discussing the matter with some other neighbours, we came to the conclusion that the only reason the foxes are still there is that Louie is never in his own garden.
My mother is in Sri Lanka right now, and wants me to get the kids to phone her! Right. That will not be an option for a few days as they are to spend a few days with my wife’s parents due to the noise of the jack-hammer that is coming to visit to break up concrete in our garden.
On the bright side, Arsenal won yesterday. I was down after they got beaten in the FA cup against Chelski. Here is hoping we get to beat ManUre in the European Cup this week (and also in the return leg).
Anyway, time to see if I can make you laugh.
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
Two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .. . . Kill her!!'
The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.'
The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'
The second man was given the same instructions.
He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'
The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.
'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'
MORAL: Women are crazy. Don't mess with them
Hic
Morning all.
Kids are away for the weekend and last night, we went out. Yes, that is right, out. Sally and Simon had a party, it was her 40 th and we were able to go out and enjoy it. And of course, this morning, we have been able to lie in, getting out of bed at nine in the morning! Since having kids, a lie in has been a big cat with a mane that lives in Africa, and Colchester Zoo. The joy of being able to sleep in without one of them needing us is great. They of course are with my wife’s parents.
So far this week, things have been fine. On Wednesday, the day I normally make a blog post, I spent time with the family. As it is half term, my daughter does not get to go to Pre-school in the morning, which means that I get to spend time with the two of them. That can be a mixed blessing though. Now my son can crawl, he can wonder over to see what his sister is up to. She, does terrorise him, going over to cover him with kisses and also play with him when he just wants to be alone. Unfortunately for her, he does the same with her. She will start to play, and he will crawl over to see what his big sister is up to. Cue screams. Though not all her screams are real. Of course, in this case they are as she wants to be able to play/draw etc. However there are times when she goes over to him, and lies down leaving her head next to him. He pulls her hair, cue pain and screaming. There are times that he will pull her hair when she does not want him to, and on those occasions, his actions are wrong, but when he deliberately lies down to have her hair pulled…
Anyway, back to Wednesday. We went to the West Mersea Oyster bar to have lunch and then to the beach. It was windy, and cold. And did I mention cold and windy? The first thing my son did was try to eat sand. My daughter, being three and a half loves the beach and is aware not to eat sand, instead, making sand castles. So I put my son on my shoulders and walked down the beach at the edge of the sea. Well, he loved it, especially when I found an area of shingle that was out in the water a bit. However while it was windy and cold, it was even worse at the waters edge. Luckily we had wrapped him up lots. Once I placed him on the shingle, he had loads of fun playing with it, and not once did he try to eat it. With the waves breaking on the shingle and the wind, it was a beautiful but cold day, the sun shining at times. By the time we got back to my wife and daughter, there was a strange mound where they were. My daughter decided that she needed to have a wee. As on the beach, there was bugger all mobile phone reception, she was not able to call me for help. So they dug a hole, and my daughter had a wee in it. Came back to find the hole had been filled in again.
Anyway, time for that laugh…
A preacher concluded that his church was
getting into very serious financial troubles. While checking the church storeroom, he discovered several cartons of new Bibles that had never been opened and distributed.
So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be
willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for £10 each to raise the desperately-needed money for the church.
Jack, Paul and Louis all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louis who was a local farmer, who had always kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment..
Poor Louis stuttered badly. But, not wanting to discourage Louis, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the back seat of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their door-to-door selling efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, 'Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?'
Proudly handing the minister an
envelope, Jack replied, 'Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the £200 I collected on behalf of the church.'
'Fine job, Jack!' The minister said,
vigorously shaking his hand. 'You are indeed a fine salesman and the Church is indebted to you.'
Turning to Paul, 'And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?'
Paul, smiling and sticking out
his chest,
confidently replied, 'I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 bibles on behalf of the church, and here's £280 I collected.'
The minister responded, 'That's absolutely
splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is indebted to you.'
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louis and said, 'And Louis, did you manage to sell any
Bibles last week?' Louis silently offered the minister a large envelope.
The minister opened it and counted the contents
'What is this?' the minister exclaimed. 'Louis, there's £3200 in here!
Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door to door, in just one week?'
Louis just nodded. That's impossible!' both Jack and Paul said in unison. 'We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could.'
'Yes, this does seem unlikely,' the
minister agreed. 'I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louis.'
Louis shrugged. 'I-I-I re-re-really do-do-don't kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure,' he
stammered.
Impatiently, Peter interrupted. 'For
crying out loud, Louis, just tell us what you said to them when they answered the door!'
'A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-said wa-wa-was,' Louis replied, 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you
l-l-l-l-l-like t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-b-bible f-f-for t-t-ten q-q-quid —o-o-o-or— wo-wo-would yo-you j-j-j-just l-like m-m-me t-t-to st-st-stand h-h-here and r-r-r-r-r-read it t-to y-y-you??'
Entry for 15 April 2009
Morning all. I hope you all are well. I have just realised that it is Wednesday. Bank holiday weekends screw with my mental calender. Last week, we walked into town and after doing a little bit of shopping, got some food at the Lemon Tree. The food there is normally excellent, although on this occasion, I was let down. But it is such a great place, I had the part of the meal I did not like refunded!
My daughter is now starting to rouse. She played up yesterday, but to be fair, she is a good child over all, only occasionally attacking her brother, though he can give as good as he gets when it comes to abuse. Seeing one try to play with the other when the other just wants to play by themselves can be fun, though not as good as watching them play with each other. For now, they both love each other, and as parents, we need to encourage that.
Anyway, time to try to make you laugh again…
This is supposedly an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas, USA. They hired him because he was so funny…..
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy B******d)
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one who will cooperate)
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place ?
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked!
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m..Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously healthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE:….7 miles.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
A man is only as faithful as his options
Morning all. I hope everyone is well, and has had a happy Easter. For those that are Jewish, here is hoping that passover is going well for you and for any Sikhs reading this, the same for you with Vaisakhi.
Have had a nice weekend with the family. Went down for a few days with my wife's parents which the kids loved. Allowed me to have time to relax and unwind. Also, my son loved the space that they have (they are more tidy than us with a bigger house and less clutter) and used it to crawl to his hearts content. He is trying to stand and my daughter at times will help him by holding his hand. My wife and I did take the chance though to watch the first film we have seen in ages at the cinema and watch The Boat that Rocked. Yes there are better films, but this was still quite good.
Came back up home on Sunday to see if I would be able to put up the slide and swing that my wife had delivered last week, but due to weather warnings, I did not. Which was a shame as it did not rain in the end. So instead, yesterday we went out for a meal in Dedham. When home, I introduced my daughter to the Wii with a driving game. She was understandably not that good, but then she is after all only three! Later, after watching Desperate Housewives with my wife, we had a go on it. Although I went easy on her at first, she got very good very quickly and on some games, slaughtered me! Cow…
Anyway, time to see if I can make you laugh…
Calorie counting – How many calories burned during intercourse!
It has been known for many years that Sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities.
Now after "original and propietary" research we are proud to present the results.
REMOVING HER CLOTHES:
With her consent … 12 Calories
Without her consent … 187 Calories
OPENING HER BRA:
With both hands … 8 Calories
With one hand … 12 Calories
With your teeth … 85 Calories
PUTTING ON A CONDOM:
With an erection … 6 Calories
Without an erection … 315 Calories
PRELIMINARIES:
Trying to find the clitoris … 8 Calories
Trying to find the G-Spot … 92 Calories
POSITIONS:
Missionary … 12 Calories
69 lying down … 78 Calories
69 standing up … 112 Calories
Wheelbarrow … 216 Calories
Doggy Style … 326 Calories
Italian Chandelier … 912 Calories
ORGASMING:
Real … 112 Calories
False … 315 Calories
POST ORGASM:
Lying in bed hugging … 18 Calories
Getting up immediately … 36
Explaining why you got out of bed immediately … 816 Calories
GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:
If you are: 20-29 years old … 36 calories
30-39 years … 80 Calories
40-49 years … 124 Calories
50-59 years … 972 Calories
60-69 years … 2916 Calories
70 and over … Results are still pending
DRESSING UP AFTERWARDS:
Calmly … 32 Calories
In a hurry … 98 Calories
With her father knocking at the door … 1218 Calories
With your wife knocking at the door … 3521 Calories
captainstarkiller 